


Help Me - Part 4

by WinterReadingerDixon67



Series: Help Me [4]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes Returns, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Feels, Feels, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, Language, Light Angst, Little bit of Fluff, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mild Language, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Plot Twists, Protective Bucky Barnes, Sad, Secrets, Steve Feels, Steve Rogers Feels, Tags Are Hard, finally wrote something, sad bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 07:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8524183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterReadingerDixon67/pseuds/WinterReadingerDixon67
Summary: Bucky has a bad nightmare which causes him to relapse, forcing the team to take action. The reader calms him down the only way she can.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the long wait on posting this, but here it is! I’ve decided to go more into the reader’s background story and how everything clicks together. So there will definitely be more parts to come. I’m just loving this series way too much to stop it at only four parts :)

_ “Why do I need to tell you? It’s not like you need to know anyways.” Without a looking back, he slammed the door shut. _

_ The dams broke then. Your legs gave out as you crumbled to your knees in despair. Tears flowed down like rivers as you cried on the matt. You wrapped your arms around yourself, emotions welling up inside you. So lost in the pain that consumed you, the feeling of strong arms fazed right by you. _

_ “(Y/N), what happened? What did he do?” Turning to face Steve, you broke down again when you saw a hint of rage behind his eyes. _

_ “He hates me, Steve, and it’s all my fault.” Steve held you as you cried. No amount of comfort could take away the pain that you felt inside. _

* * *

 

You couldn’t tell how long you were there on the floor, time wasn’t important to you. What was important was the fact that Bucky left without giving you a chance to actually tell him about what just happened. All you could do was let Steve hand you over to Nat when she came running in after Steve had FRIDAY call her in. As soon as he placed you in her arms, he stormed off to confront Bucky.

 

_ Steve’s POV _

 

Was I angry at Bucky? No, I wasn’t angry at him, I was  _ pissed _ at him. I understood why he acted the way he did, considering that his mind was still a fragile thing, but this was (Y/N) we’re talking about here. He never hurt her, let alone rose his voice at her. He was always so protective of her and would kill anyone who even tried to hurt her. So yes, I was clearly upset as to why  _ this _ happened. I stormed out of the room when Nat came in. I found him walking towards the elevator to leave the tower. He had changed into clean clothes and had his backpack with him, clearly stating he was going to be gone for a while.

“Bucky, what the fuck was that all about?” I called out after him, he stopped just before he could call for the elevator.

“Did you guys know about this too?” He replied without turning around. I crossed my arms and stared at his back.

“Bucky-”

“Just answer the fucking question, Steve! I don’t need you to lie to me too.” His fists clenched at his sides as he tried to control his breathing.

“Yes, we all found out after you relapsed.” Bucky’s body tensed when he sensed other figures walk into the room. Nat came in with (Y/N) a few feet behind her, in order to protect her if needed. He didn’t bother to look their way but turned to face me instead.

“I need to leave for a while. I can’t stay here.” He said to me, his voice low.

“Why? So you can leave and face your problems by yourself?” His nostrils flared, I could tell he was going to snap at any second and Nat knew, but that wasn’t going to stop her from saying what was on her mind. “You’re going to run away from the person who was actually trying to  _ help _ you?”

“If she loved me, she wouldn’t have kept this from me!” He shot back at Nat his voice bitter, who took a protective step back towards (Y/N). (Y/N) stood there, not sure if she should be saying anything or should run and lock herself behind a door. “You  _ knew _ my mind was the one thing I could control, what they did to mess it up.” He glared at Nat, then turning to (Y/N). “How can I even trust you now if you’re keeping things from me?” He sounded angry but mostly hurt.

“It’s not exactly something I enjoy talking about Bucky. I hate it just as much as you, it’s not all rainbows, kittens, and unicorns. It hurts, it always has. I can feel those who are hurting. Whose minds are being so overworked they’re going to burn themselves out.” (Y/N) took a confident step forward, but still kept her distance. “So yes, I used it on you because your mind was fighting a battle that you couldn’t win by yourself. Your mind was triggered by a previous mission, by what I have no clue, but it was hurting you...so I thought this would be the best way to comfort you. To stop the pain.” Bucky scoffed at her, which earned him a death glare from Nat and me.

“Then you’ve clearly don’t know me then.” He said as he laughed, “Why don’t you just get Wanda in here to pick at my brain. Knock me out again and get the answers you need, do what Hydra always did.” We stood there in silence, taking in what he was saying. 

“They mess around with your brain so much you black out from all the pain. Then they wake you up and do it again and again, repeating it over and over until you give in to their demands. They ignore all your pleas when you beg them to stop. They promise to make it better when in reality it’s all a lie. Whatever power of choice you have is ripped right from you.” He stared right at (Y/N), body still tense. He was trying his best not to act rashly, but the way the metal plates were shifting, it was growing more difficult. He took in a shaky breath before he continued, “You kept this from me, (Y/N), and you broke my trust. This is  _ my  _ choice and I’m not going to have someone take that away from me again, I’m sorry.” He turned towards the elevator and was about to walk through the doors, but I had enough of my friend’s bullshit. I walked up to him and grabbed his shoulder, barely dodging the blow of his fist when he swung at me. He gripped my by the front of my shirt and shoved me against the wall. I ordered Nat to stand down, telling her silently she needed to protect (Y/N) if something goes awry. I put my focus back on Bucky, who was currently struggling with his own thoughts, however, he was reluctant to let go.

“I can’t let you leave, Buck, not again. I just got you back. I don’t know if I can take it if you leave. You  _ especially _ can’t leave (Y/N) like this. She was doing what she thought was right. She was trying to help you, she’s not Hydra, Buck! She’s (Y/N).” His breathing became rapid as his eyes darted every so often, trying to get a hold onto something.

“Just let her help you.” The look of betrayal in his eyes never dissipated as we continued to stay there in silence. Minutes passed before I sighed in relief when his hold finally started to loosen. He eventually stepped away from me, still focusing on me rather than (Y/N).

“Fine, if she wants to help me,  _ I’ll _ decide when. And right now, I can’t be here. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.” With that, he entered the elevator and left. The rest of us stood there, letting the past events sink in. Nat’s protective stance relaxed some but continued to stay on alert. We weren’t pleased with how this ended, but we needed to accept what happened. I knew if we didn’t respect Bucky’s wishes, it would be difficult to get him to talk.

So we let him go.

* * *

 

_ Readers POV _

 

It was a good five days before Bucky called. We were all lounging in the common room when Steve received the call. As he answered it, we all sat in silence, straining our ears to hear what Bucky was saying on the other line. We obviously didn’t have to wait long, because shortly after he answered the conversation ended. Steve, of course, wasn’t very happy, due to the fact it took Bucky this long to actually call. But I understood nonetheless, he needed space and time to fully grasp onto what happened over the past few days.

“Geez, Steve, sit down before you actually put a hole in the floor,” I told him after watching him pace back and forth for the past five minutes. It took him a few seconds, but he finally took a seat next to Sam. “Well, what did he say?” I asked him, hoping it wasn’t anything bad. He sighed and leaned his elbows on his knees.

“He’s trying to understand why you never told him, he’s struggling. He wants to talk to (Y/N) mainly, but would like everyone else here as well.” He ran a hand down his tired face and leaned back into the couch. He turned to me with a worried expression. “He knows what triggered him to relapse and it’s not good.” This got everyone’s attention, not to mention their curiosity. Sam leaned forward, gesturing towards me before asking Steve.

“Did it happen to involve (Y/N)?” All Steve did was nod, which wasn’t the answer any of you were expecting. Especially you.

“H-How did it involve me exactly?” When Steve didn’t answer, you grew anxious. You suddenly grew worried when he wouldn’t even meet your gaze. “Steve? What did he tell you?” He finally looked up at you, Natasha grabbed your hand in hers, to comfort you.

“Apparently, not all of his memories came back.” He finally answered you, but in reality that didn’t answer anything.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Tony groaned out, throwing his hands in the air, “That doesn’t make sense.” Steve raised his hand to stop Tony from bickering any further.

“I wasn’t finished yet, old man,” he smiled slightly but grew serious again as the seconds passed. “He told me he only remembers fragments. There are still a few pieces missing, but the ones he does remember are him training in a room. He would fight back so much and it was difficult to detain him each time, so they brought in….a handler so to speak.” Steve looked right at me when he spoke, chills run down my spine. My mind scrambles to pick out any memory that had any slightest connection to this, but everything came up blank.

“And that’s where (Y/N) comes into play. She was assigned to be his handler of sorts. Ordered to put him down if the situation called for it.” Now everyone was looking at you, clearly shocked at what they just heard. You yourself couldn’t process this newly found information, your hand on Nat’s tightened. You rubbed your temple with your free hand, desperately trying to remember something,  _ anything _ that could help make this somewhat easier to understand.

“So what you’re saying is that….I’m or used to be Hydra?” You looked back at Steve as you asked him, he nodded in reply. “And that I was Bucky’s  _ handler _ ? The last resort if need be, right?” He nodded once again, you weren’t sure how to take this in. “I don’t understand, I don’t remember anything about being held by Hydra. Let alone working with him during those years. So why can’t I remember anything?” You groaned out in frustration, nothing was surfacing and you were left clueless until a new voice spoke up.

“Because you’re not supposed to.”

You whip around to see Bucky standing there in the entryway, his bag hanging off to the side. You’re almost tempted to run up to him and welcome him back, but his demeanor tells you that would be a bad idea. There was an awkward silence in the room, everyone was waiting for Bucky to make the first move, when a few minutes passed, you decided to do something. You stood up and were about to make your way over to him, but stopped when he quickly stepped back. Your eyes lingered on him for a couple seconds before you turned to face Steve, silently asking him for help. He stood up slowly as not to alarm Bucky further and stood next to you.

“Bucky, you okay?” He nodded his head, but quickly changed his mind. His brows furrowed as his eyes squeezed shut. The last time you’ve seen Bucky like this was when he relapsed, he was wrestling with something in his head and you could feel it. Whatever battle was going on through his head, it wasn’t a pretty one and it left him scarred and even more on alert. You had to grab a hold of Steve’s arm for extra measure when a wave of pain shot through you. You were able to contain the wince, but not well enough because Nat was right at your side when she noticed the look on your face.

“(Y/N), what’s wrong?” You didn’t answer her, instead, you mustered up the courage and walked up to Bucky slowly. This time he stayed put, but his body grew tense when you came closer. You stopped right in front of him, searching for his face for a connection to what just happened. You reached out your hand to him, offering it to him, he glanced at it skeptically.

“I promise I won’t do anything to you, Bucky, I j-just need to know if you’re really okay.” The others watched in silence waiting for Bucky to make the next step, but what he did no one expected. Instead of taking your hand, he just brushed a strand of hair away from your face, then walked past you to sit on a chair furthest away from you. A different wave of pain washed over you, one that shot through your heart. Taking a deep breath, you took your place next to Wanda and Nat again. You tried not to let it get to you, you understood why he was being distant, but it doesn’t mean that it still hurt. Steve gave you an encouraging smile as he sat down, he decided to speak up first.

“Whenever you’re ready to talk, Buck, we’ll listen. But is it alright if I ask a question first?” He nodded at Steve who relaxed some, his question was simple and down to the point. “Why can’t (Y/N) remember anything that happened? When she was your handler.” He tensed when Steve said ‘handler’, the plates in his left arm whirred as his hand formed into a fist. Out of instinct, he reached over with his flesh hand and pulled it closer to his body. He always did this when he was around you, not because of disgust, but because he wanted to protect you from the one thing that could kill you. This gave you a little hope because it meant he still cared deeply for you and wanted to keep you safe.

“S-She...t-they made her, shit…,” he struggled to come up with words, the agony inside his head was beginning to become overwhelming for him, “ _ fuck _ ...this hurts, give me a second.” He gripped onto his head, pulling on his hair, crouching forward in his chair. You noticed his body shiver slightly, shoulders rising with every deep breath he took in. He stayed like that for a couple extra minutes, then leaning back in the chair. A bead of sweat rolled down his face soaking right into his shirt. He looked exhausted, worn out, close to the point of burning out completely. His head fell back, running his hands over his face. You quickly looked at Steve who was on alert, ready to do anything his friend needed. Everyone else turned to Bucky with worried expressions, this was all new to all of you. Usually, he’d hide away in your room until the feelings have passed and was ready to venture out into the world again. However, this time was different, he actually verbally confessed this was physically painful for him. You needed to do something, anything to help him ease the pain away. Being extra careful not to surprise him, you made your way to him and kneeled right in front of him, placing your hands in your lap. He looked down at you, eyes tense, hard, tired and red, but there was a flicker of a plea for help. And that was all you needed.

“Bucky, I understand why you don’t trust me completely right now, but this is something we’re going to need to do together. I have no memory as to what happened, which is fine, but,” you reached out your hand to him again, hoping this time he’d at least take it, “the pain you’re feeling, it’s hurting you and I want to help you.” Ever so slowly, his flesh hand crept towards yours. You watched as his fingers traced the lines of your palm, as he fiddled with your fingers. His touch was somewhat non-existent, eventually, he flattened his hand in yours, meshing his fingers with yours. You gave his hand a slight squeeze, which he immediately returned.

“I-I’m not sure if I’m able to talk about it out loud, i-it hurts t-too much.” His hand tightened around yours again when he thought back. Thankfully you were able to hide your own physical pain from showing, you didn’t want to worry him further. All of a sudden Tony jumped up from his spot on the couch, causing Bucky to jerk out his seat and push you behind him. You were shocked at this, first, he didn’t want to touch you, then it took forever for him to just accept one form of physical touch and now he did this. Which meant whatever memory came back had him on full alert without him fully aware of it.

“Oh, sorry about that man, but I just came up with an idea. I’ll be right back!”

With that, Tony ran out of the room dragging Bruce along with him, leaving the rest of you confused. Bucky’s body was still tense from where he stood, his flesh hand was protectively holding your wrist, ready to drag you to safety if need be. Steve was watching Bucky as Nat looked to you. You looked from her down to where his hand was still gripping yours. He seemed to relax somewhat when you placed your free hand on top of his but was still on alert if danger was present. Steve made a move to stand up but stalled when Bucky grew rigid again, pulling you closer to him. From your place behind him, you could see the corner of his eyes twitching, his jaw clench. He was stuck between reality and the memory state. You squeezed his hand, using your other one to rub his arm gently.

“Bucky, It’s okay. You’re safe. I’m safe. We’re in the tower, come back to me.”

You spoke softly to him, making sure you kept some space between the both of you. In times like these, knowing when to give him physical contact was crucial. For safety reasons, caution was always encouraged. That seemed to do it for him, though, his hand fully relaxed in yours and he made his way back to his chair. Yet still, his hand was in yours, pulling you along with him. While wanting to give him his space, you decided to sit on the footstool beside him. Letting him fiddle on your fingers subconsciously. You could feel his mind was beginning to ease as the minutes passed. Not long after, Tony came back, with Bruce in tow. They each were holding a tablet along with a few chords with pads on the ends. Bucky’s heart rate began to spike as he watched the chords sway back and forth. They set down the objects onto the coffee table and looked towards the both of you.

“This is a far fetch idea, but with a few adjustments, it should work,” Tony replied with a hint of a smile. “What should work, Tony?” Steve asked him, glancing at Bucky.

“We believe we can help Frosty over here to tell well,  _ show _ you what’s going on in his head. It’s completely painless! It would basically be us watching a movie, but actually watching someone’s memory.” Bucky’s fingers stopped playing with yours, you quickly looked over at him, his posture was stiff and his expression lacked emotion. With your ‘gift’ you were able to feel people’s emotions and their brain waves, that’s how you were able to sense Bucky’s mind struggling. But now, you were having trouble on getting a reading from him, his mind was shooting off in every possible direction. You grabbed his hand in yours and squeezed as hard as you could, turning to Tony and Bruce.

“So...you wouldn’t be going  _ into _ his head? No prodding, picking at his memories, jumbling things around?” They shook their heads, Bruce picked up one of the chords.

“No, Bucky would be in complete control. All we would need to do is place these,” he gestured at the pads, “on his temples, plug in a few numbers then it’s all up to him. He would decide on what we should and should not see. We would hook up the connection to the screen and just watch what he shows us.”

“As in watching a movie, except this is what’s going on in his head?” Sam crossed his arms asking both of them.

“Yes.” They both replied. Tony sat down and clasped his hands together.

“Look, I don’t want to pressure you to do this. I just figured this would be an easier way for you to tell us rather than to actually  _ tell _ us.” Bucky looked from Tony to you, then to Steve. “It’s your choice Bucky. Whatever you decide, we’ll support you either way.” You focused your attention back to him, letting him know you were going to stick next to him no matter what. He ran his left hand down his face, letting out the breath he’s been holding. His eyes locked onto the equipment laid out on the table, contemplating on what he should do. He looked conflicted, unsure of what he should actually do.

“James,” his eyes jerked to yours when you called him by his first name, you smiled faintly at him, “this is  _ your _ choice,  _ your _ decision.” It took a while for him to respond, he’s been quiet this whole time, and you were growing concerned. He fidgeted in his seat, clearing his throat before giving his answer. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if it's been awhile since I posted anything, school's been a pain. As always, comments are appreciated! :)


End file.
